Washington DC: President Barack Obama's nominee for the United States Supreme Court, Jesus Christ, was immediately rejected by Senate Republicans earlier today. Majority Leader Mitch McConnell reiterated his earlier stance that no candidate proposed by Mr. Obama to replace the late justice Antonin Scalia will be considered under any circumstances, regardless of his or her qualifications.
McConnell added, "Even if Obama nominated God Himself, we wouldn't give Him the slightest consideration. This is God Himself? Well, what I said."
Republicans on the Senate Judiciary Committee confirmed that Jesus will not even be given a courtesy hearing, let alone a formal hearing before the full Senate. Senator Ted Cruz, who is seeking the Republican nomination for President, was quoted as saying, "While we're happy to see Jesus finally return in his very long-awaited second coming, as long as he's Obama's Supreme Court nominee, we'll assure that he's completely ignored."
Candidate Marco Rubio agreed, saying, "If Obama says that two plus two equals four, obviously it must equal five. Or maybe three."
Donald Trump tweeted, "This nominee's quoted as saying, 'Sell all that thou hast, and distribute unto the poor.' Do you want a commie like that on the Court?"
Trump later added, "I've just started reading about this Jesus guy, and his opinions are pretty much the opposite of everything I stand for. He said, 'It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of heaven.' I'm going to be huge in heaven. HUGE!" This has been a revelation to me - count me as anti Christ."